“You know very well who you are, don’t let em hold you down reach for the stars.”

This post is dedicated to all my peoples living in the struggle, for each and every one of you who have ever experienced the misfiring of electricity in your brain that has left you feeling alone and confused, left you bruised and cut, without the simple freedoms in life that make it worth living, don’t worry you aren’t alone. You know very well who you are, don’t let them hold you down, reach for the stars. 

I know, I know, it’s been a long time and I don’t want to hear any bitching about the year-plus it’s been since I’ve updated. Every time I’d sit down to update about where my life was I’d just end up crying my fucking eyes out, so  the laptop sat away for months a source of pain. All I could think was that nobody wanted to hear about how seizures were wrecking my life, and how nothing had changed, AND in fact for a bit things on the seizure front got worse – I had a monster stay in the hospital last summer that resulted in family drama, redonkulous medical bills (that I’m just adding to the enormous fucking Kilimanjaro-sized pile), but DID lead to answers about where the seizures might be coming from.

Catamenial Epilepsy

Catamenial epilepsy is a subtype of epilepsy, which is a chronic neurological condition characterized by recurrent seizures.[1] Catamenial epilepsy is a subset of this population, which includes women of whom their seizure exacerbation is aligned with their menstrual cycle. Women with catamenial epilepsy are unusually sensitive to endogenous hormonal changes.

MOTHER FUCK!

Who has a giant floral feminine uterus tattooed on her thigh? Yep, this girl. Psychic much? So, the past few months have been finding the balance between birth control (to hopefully help regulate periods and hormones), anticonvulsants, mood-stabilizers (because you need those on the mind fuck that is anticonvulsants) and every day is a constant balance between wanting to cry, wanting laugh, and wishing the next seizure I had would snap my neck and leave me dead.

I’m sorry if that’s kind of jarring or too honest but sometimes I wake up next to my furry miniature schnauzer Manolo and I look at him and wonder what cosmic lesson is to be learned from all of this and I just cry hot tears that soak my cheeks. I may not of been the most sucessful person in the world when the seizures started but I was on my way and I had some momentum, now I feel like I just stagnate. When I feel this way I try to stay busy, to keep my mind from screaming at me that my brain is defective and that I’m useless but nothing seems to work.

What seems to compound these feelings is that my 29th birthday is right around the corner and with another year fastly approaching I take inventory and it’s just a crap-shoot. I remember being so excited about life and now I wonder what the point might be? And I don’t think it gets any better or not for some bitch with epilepsy.  The only reason I’m probably still here is because I don’t have a bottle of sleeping pills to Anna Nicole myself to sleep with.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to make money, selling off clothing that’s too big,   sewing, make up. But everyone wants something for nothing and nobody cares about anyone except themselves, so I haven’t been making a lot of money and business is difficult.

I was talking to my Mother on the phone a few days ago, she let me know an aunt of mine was in SoCal with my cousin who is a semi-pro skateboarder. So I texted her to send love and wish him luck, I was met with a barrage of texts about how they couldn’t see me and were too busy. It wasn’t my intention to try to get in their mix but it did add to my feelings that even family could give a fuck about you and what you’re going thru. And this is very indicative of what I’m feeling in my life right now, I find myself retreating into my alone time a lot, in my room with my dog and my thoughts trying to keep to myself.

If you don’t know, now you know.

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2 responses to ““You know very well who you are, don’t let em hold you down reach for the stars.”

  1. When you’re down and troubled
    and you need a helping hand
    and nothing – nothing is going right
    Close your eyes and think of me
    and soon I will be there
    to brighten up even your darkest nights

    You just call out my name
    and you know where ever I am
    I’ll come running
    to see you again
    Winter, spring, summer, or fall
    all you have to do is call
    and I’ll be there
    you’ve got a friend

    If the sky above you
    should turn dark and full of clouds
    and that old north wind should begin to blow
    keep your head together
    and call my name out loud
    Soon I will be knocking upon your door

    You just call out my name
    and you know where ever I am
    I’ll come running
    to see you again
    Winter, spring, summer, or fall
    all you have to do is call
    and I’ll be there
    you’ve got a friend

    Hey, ain’t it good to know
    that you’ve got a friend
    When people can be so cold?
    They’ll hurt you and desert you
    They’ll take your soul if you let them
    but don’t you let them

    You just call out my name
    and you know where ever I am
    I’ll come running
    to see you again
    Winter, spring, summer, or fall
    all you have to do is call
    and I’ll be there
    you’ve got a friend

    You’ve got a friend

  2. When you’re weary
    Feeling small
    When tears are in your eyes
    I will dry them all

    I’m on your side

    When times get rough
    And friends just can’t be found
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down

    When you’re down and out
    When you’re on the street
    When evening falls so hard
    I will comfort you

    I’ll take your part

    When darkness comes
    And pain is all around
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down

    Sail on Silver Girl,
    Sail on by
    Your time has come to shine
    All your dreams are on their way

    See how they shine

    When you need a friend
    I’m sailing right behind
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will ease your mind
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will ease your mind

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