What is freedom? How many of you are sitting at your laptops or scrolling on your smart phones and have no idea how free you really are? I will admit, I had no idea just how much freedom I had two years ago so dont take my question to be completely condescending, please. This morning I sat at looked back at a few of my older entries on this blog, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself at my total lack of self reflection on the subject
Now, don’t go thinking I’ve completely lost it, though I am totally close to the danger zone in that aspect. While my sanity is constantly in question my life is constantly about perspective these days. Yesterday I was standing in the kitchen making a salad, while chopping greens I started to feel strange, a combination of dizzy/woozy and slightly nausious. I closed my eyes momentairly and placed my hand on my forehead and saw a rainbow of purple shades. I made my way to the living room and sat forward on the couch with my head resting on my knees, my sister Tabetha recgonized my odd behavor and stange faces and questioned me about the pause in my salad making. She suggest I sit back on the couch and rest, the next memory I have I’m waking up on the couch sweaty with my hair in my face trying to catch my breath waking up from a seizure with my brother-in-law Tim ensuring I didn’t choke or hit my head on anything.
This is the first time I’ve ever had an aura, hopefully I’ll continue to have auras. When people have auras they are different in each person with epilepsy, some people smell strange things, I’ve read articles about patients smelling bacon or flowers, I have a girlfriend Amber who sees yellow halos of light shortly around things before she has seizures, and auras aren’t always present before all seizures, so its kind of a guessing game. SURPRISE! Blah. At the time, and post-seizure I wasn’t particularly excited about it, Tabetha was ready to throw a party. Hopefully what this means is that maybe I’ll be able to have of a warning system and wont be falling out all over the floor and busting my ass and bonking my head and having more traumatic brain injuries ontop of being epileptic. Cool, I’ll take it.
Being epileptic has taught me that people are stupid. Two things you need to know, my brain might malfunction but I’m not retarded and I have an excuse for my brain damage WHATS YOURS?! 😛 Don’t forget your sense of humor.
Baby steps to freedom or small freedoms. I’d love to not fall down and have bruises all over my body and my face, if I could get past that these seizures would be manageable, maybe I could go back to working regularly. I would cry tears of joy that could fill buckets if I could have a semi normal life again.
Man, Betsey is still a real inspiration. Keep kicking ass!
I’ve been drafting patterns and getting back to my inner seamstress, keeping up with NY Fashion Week and really trying to remember who I was before the seizures invaded my life and tried to take over. I’m NOT letting them! I try to remember strong women like Betsey Johnson who inspired me to be a fashion designer when I was 5. I would watch E! before it became the huge network it is today, and they used to play fashion shows on saturday mornings, I’d wake up and before cartoons I’d watch the fashion shows on Fashion TV. The first time I ever saw a Betsey Johnson runway show is permanently etched in my brain, there were tall models strutting down the runway in GIANT jeweled gingham circle skirts with big stacked platforms and at the end of the show Betsey ran down the runway with her orange hair and did a cartwheel. She was a free spirit and at 5 years old in my PJs with my Barbies I wanted to be her when I grew up. Years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she said it was important to enjoy life more so I’m trying to take a page out of her book and not work myself into the ground while making my dreams happen. I can’t have an empire if I’m dead now can I?