Bianca visits the crazy house, and lets go of her ego.

“My ego’s like my stomach it keeps shitting what I feed it….”

When I was in art school I orchestrated this interactive art piece, where I set up a camera and left friends, family, co-workers with a list of cultural questions, the idea was to break down a subculture of  los Angeles, and I of course in my lioness fashion wanted to figure out a way to make the project like nothing that had been done before. Really, I didn’t want to work in a group, and I wanted to do something on my own, so my professors let me do the project on myself, but gave me parameters to make the project objective. What came out of this semester long project were a few thing I never expected, I saw the way my peers and family really saw me, and as the film played across the giant glass painting that accompanied the piece, I turned the project into a process piece, having my classmates take pieces of paper or fabric and write notes about the ethnography as this song echoed thru the film in the background.

Years later this song is still special to me though for different reasons. last month I was having a difficult time, though I was sewing, and exercising and trying to stay active, making an effort to see friends, I had been sinking deeper and deeper into depression, and making efforts to talk about it where I could. I checked myself into a mental health hospital after planning to commit suicide, many things had lead up to this moment. I received my denial letter from disability, had my first panic attack, was really going thru it and having a hard time processing it. At first I was going to keep this to myself, I felt this was a private matter, and that it was really no ones business but after marinade on it I’ve decided to let ego go, and I want to let everyone out there know that you are genuinely not alone.

I realized in the hospital that every person in there is the same, is suffering the same, and needs support. If you are hurting don’t be afraid.

<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/111928471″>Demistfyingy mental health, my trip to the crazy house and more fun with epilepsy!</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/user34468692″>Bianca Ward</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

 

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3 responses to “Bianca visits the crazy house, and lets go of her ego.

  1. When you’re down and troubled
    and you need a helping hand
    and nothing – nothing is going right
    Close your eyes and think of me
    and soon I will be there
    to brighten up even your darkest nights

    You just call out my name
    and you know where ever I am
    I’ll come running
    to see you again
    Winter, spring, summer, or fall
    all you have to do is call
    and I’ll be there
    you’ve got a friend

    If the sky above you
    should turn dark and full of clouds
    and that old north wind should begin to blow
    keep your head together
    and call my name out loud
    Soon I will be knocking upon your door

    You just call out my name
    and you know where ever I am
    I’ll come running
    to see you again
    Winter, spring, summer, or fall
    all you have to do is call
    and I’ll be there
    you’ve got a friend

    Hey, ain’t it good to know
    that you’ve got a friend
    When people can be so cold?
    They’ll hurt you and desert you
    They’ll take your soul if you let them
    but don’t you let them

    You just call out my name
    and you know where ever I am
    I’ll come running
    to see you again
    Winter, spring, summer, or fall
    all you have to do is call
    and I’ll be there
    you’ve got a friend

    You’ve got a friend

  2. When you’re weary
    Feeling small
    When tears are in your eyes
    I will dry them all

    I’m on your side

    When times get rough
    And friends just can’t be found
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down

    When you’re down and out
    When you’re on the street
    When evening falls so hard
    I will comfort you

    I’ll take your part

    When darkness comes
    And pain is all around
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will lay me down

    Sail on Silver Girl,
    Sail on by
    Your time has come to shine
    All your dreams are on their way

    See how they shine

    When you need a friend
    I’m sailing right behind
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will ease your mind
    Like a bridge over troubled water
    I will ease your mind

  3. I wake alone, in a woman’s room I hardly know.
    I wake alone – and pretend that I am finally home.
    The room is littered with her books and notebooks.
    I imagine what they say, like, ‘shoo fly, don’t bother me,’
    And I can hardly get myself out of her bed.
    For fear of never lying in this bed again.
    Oh Christ, I’m not that desperate am I? Oh no- oh god- I am.
    How’d I end up here to begin with? I don’t know.
    Why do I start what I can’t finish?
    Oh please, don’t barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers.
    My ego’s like my stomach – it keeps shitting what I feed it.
    But maybe I don’t want to finish anything anymore.
    Maybe I can wait in bed ’til she comes home and whispers:
    “You’re in my web now – I’ve come to wrap you up tight ’til it’s time to bite down.”
    I wake alone in a woman’s room I hardly know.
    I wake alone – and pretend that I am finally home.

    I think I finally get this. This isn’t about a guy waking up in your room. It isn’t even about you waking up in some guy’s room. Not anymore, at least.

    It took remembering that you are reclusive.

    So – in this song, you’re talking about yourself.

    When it says “I wake alone in a woman’s room I hardly know,” the woman you hardly know is yourself. You hardly know her because you no longer recognize the life you lead. You don’t recognize your life by the way epilepsy has impacted it.

    The only thing that may or may not fit this theory, is the line about “You’re in my web now – I’ve come to wrap you up tight til it’s time to bite down.”

    Could that line be about suicide?

    All I know is I miss you.

    I miss talking to you.

    I miss helping you.

    I miss being friends.

    I know we hurt each other. And I’m sorry for making things in your life worse, not better.

    I am no longer going to talk about the past to you.

    What’s past is past. What’s present is present. And what’s future is future.

    What is constant throughout all three is, I love you.

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