I feel like I’ve spent my whole life grossly misunderstood, and at some point, rather than attempt to explain what was rolling through my brain I decided to shut it down. Now, I know that’s hard to believe, read the blog and there’s post after post, each thoughtfully planned out, where my words are woven into the narratives that make up my life. Still, the words found here only represents a miniscule window into the person that I have evolved and grown to be, the person that I keep grinding so hard to be, to file down the rough edges, to be REFINED.
A few years ago my life steered dangerously close to getting lost in La La Land, where getting lost in my own world and my own shit left me blinded and stunted my growth. I got lost a bit, moved across the country, later moved back to the left coast, and tried to dig in and really figure out what it was in life that I was lacking, I made a plan to go about getting all the things I wanted in life, and more. Well, my plans clearly haven’t worked out the ways I had imagined, and that is really the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Being a “go-getter” is exhausting, man…..
At 25 I find myself re-grouping, again, trying to come up, turning the luck I’ve been blessed with into something concrete. It’s no secret that I’ve got family scattered all over the country, what IS secret is the way in which I systematically decided to cut my family out of my life, machete status. Call me cocksure, but I believed that I could “La Di Da” my way through life alone, however slowly along the way when faced with extreme adversity, extreme darkness, and times of extreme unsureness my family has swooped in and comforted me, schooled me, and supported me.
It’s not easy to hear the hard stuff, it’s even more difficult to admit my faults; I’m selfish, I don’t like confrontation, I have no patience, I move too hastily, and put my trust in the wrong things. But since life has finally come full circle, I’ve learned that I’ve got to dig my heels in and settle down because its time to put in the work.
There can be no honey without bees, no juice without squeezing, and you can’t make Benjamin without the Lincolns, it’s a cold world, but there’s balance to it.
I’ve been saying it for years, but the master goal of my life is ultimately balance, where I can seamlessly juggle family, work and friends while slowly feeding self-actualization into the mix, and achieving balance and peace.
On December 7, 2010 I’ve redirected life, the path? Balance.