When I was a kid there wasn’t a shortage of careers I wanted to achieve in my life, while most kids wanted to be astronauts and railroad engineers, I wanted to design clothes, be famous, and wear glitter encrusted Doc Martins every day of my adult life.
I feel like the day I became an adult wasn’t when I turned 18, or 21, but when I finally became aware of life. For me, its certainly is very easy to live in a fantasy world and skip through life, get lost in my day dreams and never make life actually materialize.
Today, I’ve had a few birthdays, and wonder if its possible to have a mid-life crisis at 25?
All joking aside, where does a failed fashion school reject go from here? Jack of all trades? Master of nothing? I once dreamed of showing in NYC, and seeing my clothing in high end department stores. Now I dream of making my car payment on time, or paying down the collective debt of my collegiate student loans, so that I can breathe again without feeling like I fail at life.
But again, there’s about a million anecdotes that offer very clever insight on not reaching the top until you’ve hit absolute bottom. I feel like I can only have so many bottoms in life. I want to be on top, and I’m hoping that a realistic view of the future can help me achieve that.
So, at 25, do I try to make my dreams happen OR do I try to pay my bills?
Now I understand that life isn’t black and white, but I cant help but sometimes feel like I’m not ever going to reach quite high or quite far enough. That there’s never going to be enough time or money, that I keep chugging along this track and I’m never going to get to the god damned station.
When I quit my job recently I felt liberated, for like 48 hours, I felt like I left and made my point and stood by my principles, I felt like I had finally been able to stand up for myself in life. Now, I feel like maybe I should of stayed, I feel like a coward, I feel 12 million steps further away from my dream. And who cares about standing up for yourself? Does pride pay the bills? Can dreams pay the bills?
But my dream has changed.
I still dream of rocking runways in NYC, Paris, and Milan, but I realize I cant get there until I can support myself, until I can pay down debt, pay my own bills, balance my checkbook. I dream of not relying on my family to support me, being able to make my decisions in life based on what I want to do, rather than the suggestions of people who think they know whats best for my life and pay for the bottom line.
Recently I’ve felt really disconnected with life, growing up we’re taught from our parents, the media, hell, even in elementary school that if you reach hard and high enough for your dreams you’ll have nothing but success in life. Bullshit. Being self aware isn’t enough, lets be realistic, reality tells me that in 25 years I can have the life I want, if I suffer and sweat and bleed, it can all be mine and at that point I’m probably only a few years from the grave. ha ha. Isn’t life grand.
I really am a “glass half full” kind of gal, but I think you caught me on an off day….
So, I made a master plan, because well, succumbing to the funk just isn’t my style, anymore. I’ve been freelancing and hawking my marketing skills around, applying for jobs, trying to save enough money to take care of my immediate needs and my long term needs. Reminding myself to look at the present and forward to the future.
Trying to remind myself to actually tell people how I’m feeling. I’ve got this really remarkable talent of trying to keep everything to myself and thinking that nobody knows the thunderstorms that go on in my brain, when clearly anyone who knows me can tell you when I’m keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and when the ensuing explosion is about to happen.
Keep your chin up kid! And by kid, I mean the little Bianca inside me floating around somewhere in glitter encrusted Doc Martins, I’ll find you again!
Get Ready Its a New Day!