Ilana and all her goodness….

My friend Ilana made this video, and all the t-shirts, and its fucking awesome.

Show me the best that you got, and I’ll show you one better…

This is morning, it’s when I spend the most time thinking about what I’ve given up…..

Alright friends, it’s that time of year again when I make my annual Thanksgiving post, last year I made my post sitting on a burgundy sectional in Atlanta, having recently made the move a few months prior and really having to dig deep for things to be thankful for(here). This year, I’m home, and while life isnt perfect, and still hugely out of my control, I’m finding life to be moving more smoothly, and for that, I am definitely grateful.

This year I am thankful for all of the moments in life that have forced me to become an adult, I’m thankful for the cages, I’m thankful for the struggle, I’m thankful for being alone, for being beaten. I’m thankful for the opportunities to break through the cages, for the tools that have made the struggle easier, for the extended family I’ve built to keep me protected, I’m thankful for the bruises because they let me know I’m capable of keeping the fight alive.

I’m thankful for the loves I’ve had, especially when I’ve fought so strongly to keep my partners at arms length, I’m thankful for the ones who have dared to get close enough to teach me that relationships aren’t about me but about forgetting my selfish nature. I’m thankful for a refreshing outlook on another year, I’m thankful for finding a voice, Im thankful for my family, we are a strange crew but I never doubt that I am loved and protected, for my cousin Starr, and for beautiful and healthy godchildren.

 

My beautiful mother and myself.

Pappa.

Thankful for family, for Tab and my godson Brian.

Ruth, with a smile that kicks me in the face

I hope that this year I’ll be able to keep my attitude in check and keep moving towards the ultimate goal, it’s not about a career, a lover, a home, it’s about balance, I’m thankful that this year I find myself one step closer to balance, I’m still miles away but I’m trudging through and enjoying the journey.

Vegas, Man….

Hung over in elevators acting like idiots.

Over the weekend I ended up taking an impromptu trip to Vegas, I had toyed with the idea of going for a few weeks, a friend of mine had a comped room, Starr was going to be visiting friends, so at the last-minute I ended up packing my weekender, threw on some jeans and sneakers and headed to Vegas with Starr and Becky. We made record time, 3 hours from LA to Las Vegas, a trip that google maps says should take at least 5 hours, but thats not how we roll. Or thats not how Starr rolls, between her shortcuts, constant speed, blunts, and our urgency to make it to Sin City, Starr dropped us off at The Paris Hotel 3 hours after leaving Northridge, we hung out under the out-door heaters, smoked a ciggy and waited for Michael to arrive so we could check into out room.

We checked in, checked out, and had a pretty amazing time. It was a long weekend, no sleep, too much booze, too much ganja, work on monday morning, but I made it through, had a stellar time and I’m looking forward to my next crazy weekend in Vegas.

Good morning VEGAS!

We ended up leaving Las Vegas around 2:30 am on Monday morning, sadly I had to head into work at 9:30 am, so, we coasted through the desert, I napped, we jammed, and finally made it home as the sun was slowing awaking from its slumber, the air was cold, and even though I was utterly exhausted when I finally walked in the front door I was satisfied with my full weekend.

Strangers in the night....

Can't beat that...

At the beginning of this week I was contacted about a photo shoot for plus size model Mia Tyler’s clothing line, I accepted of course, and will be shooting after Thanksgiving, shall keep everyone updated on that front…

I feel like the quality of my sleep has been insane, I lay in bed and try to meditate in hopes that it will eventually quiet my mind long enough to let me sleep, but often sleep is far away, and the next thing I know I’ve got my eye mask on and my mind is on ADD overdrive, contemplating what my next step is, blindfolded and thinking about sleep instead of actually sleeping.

The holidays make me feel so out of touch with reality, makes me feel like I’m spending my entire adult life trying to figure out how to act like an adult, like I’m permanently at the kiddie table. I look forward to that point in life where I can put my tools away and look back onto the work I’ve put into my “family” and feel satisfied with the lessons I’ve learned and the path I’ve taken. I guess the holidays remind me that there is still work to be done to bring balance to my family life. With my family scattered through the universe I may not see the people I adore often, but I’m working on letting my actions show them how much I do care for them, alignment.

 

Casino, Self-Sabotage, Sneakers.

So, its no secret that Casino might be one of my all time favorite movies, everyone loves the glitter and the swagger but I think my passion for Scorsese’s film goes beyond the Bob Mackie gowns and fly suits, the film reminds me to be mindful of my tendencies to sabotage myself.

Case in point, coming face to face with Post Secret every Sunday morning, I usually pull my eye mask off, and while still tangled in my sheets, I grab for my phone, usually knocking over a bottle of water or vitimins, and pull up Post Secret so I can browse while still laying in the silence of my bedroom, my own little Sunday morning rituital. This week a secret posted made me confront feelings I had attempted to lock away months ago. While the secret isnt mine, it has served as a jarring reminder that I havent completely dealt with behavior that is emotionally devistating. I guess the story was never told, which is my way of acting like it never happened, before I moved to Atlanta last year I started a relationship with a man who ended up being married, for a very long time I felt ashamed, not that I had played party to his infidelity but because I had always had this inflated sense of ego, and never in my my wildest of dreams did I ever think I would have been stupid enough to be fooled. Hell, I had been raised by the smoothest ladies man ever, Frank Ward, suave in all the right ways but ruthless in the way he treated the women he juggled, I thought surely after growing up watching him spin tales to his menagerie that I would never fall prey to that kind of man. But of course, my desire to sabotage kept me blind to the fact that I was just a play thing, and even after I realized what had happened I decided to stay, lying to myself, which was easier than it should of been.

Now, however, I am hugely greatful that I had this man as my lover, without him I think I might of permanently kept my heart closed, not just romantically, while I wish I could conspire to hate him, over time the memory of our tryst has faded but the power I have as result of coming to terms with being his mistress has inspired growth, and even when growth comes at such a high cost it’s still growth none the less.

“My ego’s like my stomach, I keep shitting what I feed it…..”

I plan on spending the rest of the day doing massive amounts of laundry, tidying up my bedroom(which seems to be housing a large number of empty waterbottles and change), cleaning my sneakers as they need some love and hopefully seeing Carlos who is in town from SF.

 

57 days later….

There has been quite a bit floating through my mind these days and while written communication has never really been difficult I’ve been finding it hard to communicate verbally lately, like the connection between my mouth and brain has been severed, maybe thats a good thing. I listen to customers all day, talking about stupid shit, about being too fat, about not living life with fervor because they cant get past size, and while I’m usually up for giving the fatties pep talks and sending them into the world outfitted not only with style but with sense of self-worth, these days I cant wait for my shift to be over so I can mosey to my car, throw in my tunes and just drive allowing my own thoughts to kind of melt away….

A few days ago my cousin mentions to me that she’s noticed I havent painted since I’ve been home, a few days prior I had walked into the garage to look for a few things from my storage and I stood there, inhaling dust looking at my work, forgotten in the garage, huge panes of thick glass painted and glued and smudged and dripping with my thoughts, outlines of bodies, and streaks of iridescent medium, and suddenly I feared I wouldnt be able to do it again, I feared the emotions that would seep through my hands and onto my work. Because I havent been painting, this highway that my emotions usually filter through has been shut down, its been interesting watching life play out, Patsy Cline’s “Walkin’ After Midnight” comes to mind, instead of searching for lost love, I’m searching for myself. Dramatic much?

I havent been to the MOCA since I’ve been home, which is tragic, especially because they are closed and preparing for their newest installation, a retrospective of the collectives work dating back to 1940, the MOCA Grand Ave is showing work from 1940-1980 and then the MOCA Geffen is showing 1980 to present. We’re talking over 6,000 pieces of modern art history for your viewing pleasure, we’re talking about  a collection that is internationally regarded as one of the most important collections of postwar art in the world, we’re talking Pollock, Claes Oldenburg, Robert Rauschenberg, Mark Rothko, and one of my absolute faves Diane Arbus. I’m also hoping they choose to show pieces from WHACK!, the femist exhibition from last year, which was stunning, maybe a little Takashi Murakami, even. If you’d like to come with, let me know, even if I dont have a partner in crime for the visit, I’ll visit alone, the scope of this project is amazing, and I’m really proud that LA is finally establishing itself as a center of contemporary art. November 15th.

I remember when art became life support to me, I was with my deviously handsome punk rock boyfriend in St. Petersburg when I walked into the Salvador Dali museum for the first time and I came face to face with the work of an artist I had admired for years, even still I remember the smell, algal blooms had brought red tide to St. Pete, floating through the museum there were often moments where I had to sit down and catch my breath because I literally felt like I could not breathe in the presence of something so humbling, like the weight of his work was pressing down on my lungs begging me to acknodwlge how important his work was in my life, I remember my eyes glazing over, and tears forming, and I remember thinking that I could never live my life without falling in love with art, in every form, everyday, I felt similar viewing Roy Lichtenstein, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Jackson Pollack, Mark Rothko, and Jasper Johns all for the first time, like the ultimate in foreplay, making my heart race, the hairs on my neck standing at attention, pupils dilated, low gasps and growls of excitement…..

So, I dont know where life goes from here, and while stenciling Downtown might not be the answer to healing, it helps me to feel things I sometimes forget, I think I need a giant sticky note for life…..

“But I couldn’t think of anywhere I would of rather been to watch it all burn away…….”

The past few months have been pure madness, between my promotion at work and the schedule I keep at school, I’ve been been missing in action, and while life keeps moving at breakneck speeds I finally feel buckled in and ready for the ride….

I have an entire months worth of info to update about, however I’ve gotta be to work in half an hour and my battery on my MacBook has finally called it quits, so, when I’m off of work and securely plugged into a powersource I will give you the full length version of how life is going….

In the evening when I get off of work I like to pop in my tunes, throw the windows down and get my zen on, was listening to this last night, do check it out.

Death Can for Cutie “Grapevine Fires”
When the wind picked up the fire spread
And the grapevines seemed left for dead
And the Northern sky looked like the end of days
The end of days

The wake-up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom
To warn us it’s only a matter of time
Before we all burn

Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

We bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughters school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill
On a hill

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
But she laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright

Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright

And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames
But I couldn’t think
Of anywhere I would of rather been
To watch it all burn away

To burn away

And the firemen worked in double shifts
With prayers for rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time

————-

I promise not to stay away this long again….

So, it has been over a month since my last post, and since arriving home I have, on more than one occasion, thought about scrapping this blog, in its original incarnation, to start a new blog focused less on my travels to and fro and more on my life, just in general, eventually I have of course decided that this was a silly idea and have scrapped the idea of getting rid of this, my beloved blog.

Secondly, now that I am officially home in LA, more specifically the San Fernando Valley, I am free to see all my friends, lovers, homos, party people. etc. Yesterday I was on the freeway with Starr, headed towards Burbank to see Lizzo, when I look over and see Mahtab jamming out in her car next to me, so, I of course threw up some hand gestures and said hello, just goes to show you, you absolutely never know who you are going to see as you go about your day. I have been able to hang with a few close friends, however, there is a huge chunk of people I have yet to see, I know life has taken all of my friends in the most amazing directions and I am looking forward to hearing tails from their travels as well.

I know haven’t made any updates whatsoever about my Lewis & Clark style cross country road trip home, well, do pull up a chair, as you might be here for a moment.

I ended up packing my car at 5:00am the Friday morning I left, I had been super concerned about space, and while the packing job was a little slap-dash, all of my belongings, save my books(which are being shipped to me), fit snugly, in tetris style formation, in the back of my over priced mini sport utility vehicle. I added my overnight bag fatly zippered and protecting my clothes and essential beauty products for the trip, read: tooth brush and face wash, Manolo and his fluffy pillows and babies, threw on my shades and hit the road. Twenty minutes later I’m sitting across from my father at IHOP in College Park, noticing that the hair around his temples have finally turned shiny white as I cut my sloppy chocolate chip pancakes into tiny little squares to pair with mini portions or my scrambled eggs and extra crisp hasbrowns.

Over my IHOP coffee mug my Father is preparing me for what the journey home means, he’s trying to reassure me that life is going to be OK, even though its going to get harder over the next few months, I can tell he’s terrified, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified myself, but we ended the meal with hugs, a kiss to his forehead and I was on my journey, driving into the sun once again.

Driving is so ZEN.

Somewhere between Georgia and Mississippi.....

Three hours later, I’m on the 20 freeway, heading west, at speeds in excess off 90mph, I’m making such good time I fly through the rest of Georgia, Alabama and most of Mississippi. In Mississippi I stop at a filling station to top off my tank, walk Manolo, and empty my bladder, as I’m gliding down the freeway, I reach over to adjust my trip reader on the odometer and traffic starts to slow down abruptly. So, I end up sitting in traffic on the side of the freeway somewhere in the middle of Mississippi. Two hours later, I’m in the same spot, I’ve gotten out of the car, walked down the side of the freeway to see if I can figure out whats going on, a few moments after that a man walks by my car, I stop him to ask him dish what he saw, apparently, a mack truck transporting cattle, flipped over. So, I end up being in the car for 4 hours total, waiting for the state troopers to clear the highway of the truck debris, and cattle carcasses, I ended up making this video, and taking a mini nap that helped fuel me about 150 miles away from Amarillo, in Childress.

The enormous traffic jam, caused by cattle of course....

Manolo napping with his Babies.....

Napping on the side of the freeway, waiting for the accident to be cleared, pillow cases by Ann

Traffic moving along once again....

Inside a gast station, right outside of Texas, traverlers were able to write notes about their trip...

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I was determined to make it through Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona early Sunday morning, so, I hopped back on the road, threw open the sunroof and sailed through the desert, again driving into the sun, feeling my cheeks become sensitive to the kiss of the sun through my sunroof, I pass through New Mexico without any problems. Night finally starts to descend upon my car as I hurry through Arizona, as I near Fagstaff I have refueled yet again, the night has become purple black, I have choked down a 5hour energy shot, I’m on this odd stretch of Route 66 trying to catch the 40 freeway back towards LA when out of nowhere a giant moose like creature jumps in front of my car! SHUT THE FUCK UP! This furry animal was retarded huge! I ended up swerving out of the way, thankfully there wasn’t any oncoming traffic, I was however a little shaky the rest of the evening, and along the freeway the rest of the way home I noticed every bunny, deer, and mountain lion I passed, and feared that they planned on jumping in front of my car to derail my trip home. Eventually I kept driving, and the sun had circled the earth once more, as I drove into the cool morning the sun welcomed me home to California.

Through the desert...

Manolo and the hydrant at the rest stop....

Is my GPS inhabited by the price of darkness?

Welcome home, Bianca.

Once safely in California, I pulled over at a rest stop, it was finally time to stop for a mini nap so I could power home, I pulled my hood up, put on my sunglasses, cracked the windows and slept lightly for nearly two hours before the road was nagging at me again, I knew home was close and being tired wasn’t going to keep me from seeing my Beloved Los Angeles again, as I was driving into the city I actually got a little teary eyed, a little lame, I know.

Glorious....

Driving the last leg of my trip, with the sun coming up, and home in the distance...

When I finally pulled into the driveway I had traveled 2,438 miles, I completed the journey in less than 72 hours, I have never felt so invincible, or so exhausted, I passed out and slept for most of the day and through to the next night, but now, when I sleep I’m not longer California fiending, I’m relaxed, and free to dream about my next whirlwind adventure.

Finally saying goodbye to Atlanta.

My oh my, dearest Atlanta, I am fianlly leaving you, while I thought I would be more excited to leave, I have to admit that even I, a die hard Californian, is going to miss all of your southern charm.

Packing up my things has been kind of bittersweet as I take time to reflect on personal growth while made in Atlanta, part of me is terrified that going back to LA means being party to the same destructive habits that stunted my growth. However, I am hopeful that with the supportive family and friends I have, both in Atlanta and LA, that there will be no looking back.

I am beyond honored that you have all been a party to, and taken this journey with me, that you’ve allowed me to share my crazy rablings and museings on life with you, and that I can still count you as family.

I will be loading up the car on Friday morning and setting out on my journey home, another solo roadtrip, with my dog Manolo, to bring life full circle.

Yelpers and Froyo.

DDR and HUGE purses.

Paul and I at the Crawfish Boil.

Sneaky camera tricks.

Scott,Vanessa, Bianca, Kathleen, preparty at Bookhouse.

YEAH! I look asain when I smile BIG, who cares! With Alexa and Carolyn.

The Most Epic Party of all Time….

Had to give a little shout out before I headed to bed lastnight, once I’m awake and alive I shall give the full rundown of the evening, and you shall be jealous.